Last Time

This could be the last alone moment to myself where it’s just you and me in my body. Where I wonder how could you actually be in there and how you can actually get out. I feel a full awake human body moving all parts. I feel a head moving in my pelvis and knocking against my tail bone. I feel feet in my ribs and hands in my hips. I feel an elbow in an organ. It’s incredible. Looking forward to holding you on the outside but will always remember holding you on the inside.

Note to self

List of things not to say to your partner moments before she goes into labor:

“Why are you being so nasty?”

List of things to do once baby is out:

Drink as much alcohol as everyone else does in front of you for a whole year while you feel “nasty”.

The End

Noahs Birth Part 1

 

Writing this here so its saved in a somewhat secret space, so I don’t loose it, so I continue writing it. Its only taken my 5 years.
My dearest sweet boy. You made me a momma. I always want you to call me that even as an old lady. I hope you always know how much I love you and I swear I am trying my hardest everyday to be the best I can be for you. Some days I feel completely worthless to you. I feel I’m a horrible mother and that my dreams of what I would be as a mother gets caught up in the chores of keeping up with our home and also making everyone happy. I look at you and you make my heart full.
You are 4 and a half right now. Your sister is just over a year and I just found out I’m pregnant with your next sibling. I am feeling all kinds of feelings in every direction. When I was pregnant with Isla I didn’t know how I would love her as much as I love you. Turns out it doesn’t work that way. Love is all encompassing and just expands. It isn’t necessarily shared or divided. I have my own separate love for you and I will love and support you until long after I leave this world.
I wanted you long before I had you. It took a long time for you to be real. I saw an acupuncturist 5 times in one month to help you along. It worked. Your dad was at work when I found out and I wanted to tell him in a special way. I wrote out a story with stick figure pictures on about 20 post it notes describing our life and love and at the end there was a pregnant stick figure me (haha).I put it up on the wall and took a video of each post it, pausing a moment at each one so he could read it. He read it out loud to me several times because he didn’t get it at first. He was so excited. We all cried when we found out you were a boy. We were so happy. I knew your name right away, although it took a while for your dad to get on board. Two days after you were born he said it just seemed to fit.
I remember my whole pregnancy with you. You were so easy, I thought you were going to be this quite calm being. I had no real complaints and I worked throughout my whole pregnancy taking care of elderly people with dementia. We lived in Maryland at the time, in a very small apartment surrounded by a lot of trees. We moved into a bigger condo when I was 7 months pregnant with you. Your dad was on the ship so uncle Stephen and his friends helped. I was ripping out carpet and painting and trying to get our new home perfect for us all to live in together. Everyone kept asking if I had the “nursery” ready. I didn’t do any of that. Somehow I knew you would sleep with us and it turns out you needed that more then anything the first year.
Your due date was October 17, 2014. I didn’t feel any real contractions with you. You were perfectly happy in my womb and you wore born October 30th at 11am. The doctors kept trying to induce me, but I refused until the last possible moment including the latest time of day. They told me If i didn’t agree to be induced at that point they couldn’t admit me. OK FINE, you could come out. I was happy that you were happy and I was enjoying it being just you and me for a few weeks longer then expected. Nona came out on the 18th to be there for your birth. She waited the 2 weeks for you to be born. I told your dad and Nona to leave the house one day and I turned up the music really loud and tried to dance you out. To this day you love having dance parties!
I was induced on the morning of the 30th and I had the hardest fastest labor I thought was capable. I hated the induction. I was hooked up to tubes and wires and I couldn’t sit still. When it was time for me to push I remember I couldn’t breath and I was focusing so hard on just breathing. I didn’t open my eyes the whole time. I didn’t make a sound (your sister is another story).  The nurse handed you to me and as you were being carried over my body to my arms you pooped all over me. I held you shaking and crying. Someone fed me a turkey sandwich. You were perfect. You weighed 7lbs and were really long. I couldn’t sleep, I just had to stare at you. Every eye flutter and noise. Nothing in the world mattered and I was lost. Your dad held you and cried, everyone did. You were, and are, amazing.

Milk Dreams

Lost in the jungle

Deep

Pouring from the sky

Rain

Alone in the sea

Green and blue

Distracted in every foreign city I’ve never been to

Listen

I am here milk flowing

Hands grabbing

There

Where my mind goes

Free

Returning to duty

Love

Teaching me concentration

Time

A tunnel of black

Unsure of distance

Continue

Soon to be looking back

Stay

Break

Build

Crumble

Repair

Try harder

Build again

Again

Again

Again

Sand

Warms my cold dutiful

Feet

All grown up

Shedding a few tears realizing I’m more grown up then I realized I was. And more alone then ever without one blasting minute to myself. I’m sure this has been written before. Where is that woman? My mother 30 years ago? She hasn’t forgotten, how could you? She has moved on, kind of. Want to have a glass of scotch with that woman, any woman at this point. We are all so hard core and bad ass and no one will ever really know it but us. Make sense? No fucking one, but us.

Remembering when I was 23 acting like I was 30 now just wanting to act 23 but be 30. Nope.

Drop mic.

My life is a Sundance film

Yours probably is too. You do theses things, however normal they seem to you, and while you do them, you narrate the scene like you are watching it from a completely different life.

You don’t have to not love the life you have to dream of new ones. There are no rules here.

As I drive through dense fog of Northwest winter to the “farm school” where my sweet, always perfect 4 year old goes for 4 hours most days (do teachers and kids have to be there too? HAH!), I find myself slamming on my breaks for the same old yellow light because I was day dreaming about the small winding streets of Italy or many places I have yet to visit where I can’t understand a damn fucking thing and I don’t have to worry about the weight of life in chores when I go home. When I go to bed at night and my feet ache from wandering aimlessly and thinking “I should hand wash this shirt so it looks better by tomorrow” instead of hurting from the 3000 wood stairs I have st home where I run up and down doing who the fuck knows all day. First world problems. It’s a hashtag I know.

Back to Sundance. I narrate. And sometimes I am totally hilarious. But I am worried I’m the kind of hilarious where you try and break the silence at the grocery store by saying something to connect and the checker looks at you(Beep. Silence. Beep. Silence) and you look at them like “ok then” and maybe say something in a British accent as you walk out of the store with your random collection of items.

The person watching this whole exchange is blissfully spacing out in the comfort of wherever they are doing life however they do it.

*not sure what I was trying to write here, but I was waiting for my tea water to boil and thought I would put it down into words that don’t much make sense. And I thought all my fans would possibly get a kick out of it. You know who you are. Too tired to drink the tea I made.

Until next Sundance moment..:

Boobs

Me, a 3 year old, a 7 month old, and a 13 year old dog. Sometimes (now) I’m fully dressed (in pajamas) at 11:15am, with both my boobs out, my stomach several inches in front of me(still skinnier then most people in general), walking around cry nursing the baby through a bad teething moment. This is real life. I have company now, so naturally I thankfully just had sparkling rosé (not real life but it sure feels good at the moment).

#growingteeth #breastfeeding #fml

Trying to live in the moment