This could be the last alone moment to myself where it’s just you and me in my body. Where I wonder how could you actually be in there and how you can actually get out. I feel a full awake human body moving all parts. I feel a head moving in my pelvis and knocking against my tail bone. I feel feet in my ribs and hands in my hips. I feel an elbow in an organ. It’s incredible. Looking forward to holding you on the outside but will always remember holding you on the inside.
List of things not to say to your partner moments before she goes into labor:
“Why are you being so nasty?”
List of things to do once baby is out:
Drink as much alcohol as everyone else does in front of you for a whole year while you feel “nasty”.
Lost in the jungle
Pouring from the sky
Alone in the sea
Green and blue
Distracted in every foreign city I’ve never been to
I am here milk flowing
Where my mind goes
Returning to duty
Teaching me concentration
A tunnel of black
Unsure of distance
Soon to be looking back
Warms my cold dutiful
Shedding a few tears realizing I’m more grown up then I realized I was. And more alone then ever without one blasting minute to myself. I’m sure this has been written before. Where is that woman? My mother 30 years ago? She hasn’t forgotten, how could you? She has moved on, kind of. Want to have a glass of scotch with that woman, any woman at this point. We are all so hard core and bad ass and no one will ever really know it but us. Make sense? No fucking one, but us.
Remembering when I was 23 acting like I was 30 now just wanting to act 23 but be 30. Nope.
Yours probably is too. You do theses things, however normal they seem to you, and while you do them, you narrate the scene like you are watching it from a completely different life.
You don’t have to not love the life you have to dream of new ones. There are no rules here.
As I drive through dense fog of Northwest winter to the “farm school” where my sweet, always perfect 4 year old goes for 4 hours most days (do teachers and kids have to be there too? HAH!), I find myself slamming on my breaks for the same old yellow light because I was day dreaming about the small winding streets of Italy or many places I have yet to visit where I can’t understand a damn fucking thing and I don’t have to worry about the weight of life in chores when I go home. When I go to bed at night and my feet ache from wandering aimlessly and thinking “I should hand wash this shirt so it looks better by tomorrow” instead of hurting from the 3000 wood stairs I have st home where I run up and down doing who the fuck knows all day. First world problems. It’s a hashtag I know.
Back to Sundance. I narrate. And sometimes I am totally hilarious. But I am worried I’m the kind of hilarious where you try and break the silence at the grocery store by saying something to connect and the checker looks at you(Beep. Silence. Beep. Silence) and you look at them like “ok then” and maybe say something in a British accent as you walk out of the store with your random collection of items.
The person watching this whole exchange is blissfully spacing out in the comfort of wherever they are doing life however they do it.
*not sure what I was trying to write here, but I was waiting for my tea water to boil and thought I would put it down into words that don’t much make sense. And I thought all my fans would possibly get a kick out of it. You know who you are. Too tired to drink the tea I made.
Until next Sundance moment..:
Me, a 3 year old, a 7 month old, and a 13 year old dog. Sometimes (now) I’m fully dressed (in pajamas) at 11:15am, with both my boobs out, my stomach several inches in front of me(still skinnier then most people in general), walking around cry nursing the baby through a bad teething moment. This is real life. I have company now, so naturally I thankfully just had sparkling rosé (not real life but it sure feels good at the moment).
#growingteeth #breastfeeding #fml
Trying to live in the moment